This will probably be the last one in this series. Over the years, Peter Simon became known for his rather bizarre turn of phrase on Bid, the pressure of live TV was clearly getting to him. So this will be a list of about 100 of his best quotes. They are compiled from memory, various bits I recorded or wrote down, Peter’s Wikipedia entry, and the entertaining Twitter @PeterSimonSays account, the gift that keeps on giving. Are you ready? Let’s do it then.
“A couple of moments ago, 30 seconds ago, we pulled the handle, the machine ran, and the numbers that it delivered? Well, it was this”.
“All… all today’s TV listings, of course, all today’s T… TV… er, products, are, are on our, listings… site, all the w’s dot bid dot tv”.
“And, cue the orchestra! Oh yes!”.
“And I’ve got a little pimple where I was having my little shorts on. Hmm, it was nice actually. Angelfish swam round me. I got something caught on the coral but it was alright. At least I’ve got something to catch. It’s a girl from New Zealand”.
“And there’s a lad who crushes hazelnuts with his eyelids”.
“At £9, for the whole lot, that is nine one pound notes”.
“Bid your bid in now”.
“Bless you, that sneeze was that good people have got up to dance”.
“Can I stop the music, because this has gone ridiculous”.
“Chew on a carrot, rub me leg, tell me it’s Friday, on we go”.
“Did you see that boy on the box and who we had, oh, it’s all gone pear shaped”.
“Don’t go away, I’ve got more to offer you than you can wave a flag out on a wet Wednesday in Skegness”.
“Get down, slap it back, lap it up big boy!”.
“Glue’s running and everything”.
“Good luck if you get it!”.
“Good to have your company, hope you’re feeling well. I’ve had problems”.
“Great buying, terrific buying”.
“Her father used to be a farmer, who used to breed ferrets. He was a highly successful ferret breeder. His trick of course, oh, with the old trousers”.
“Hey-ho, honestly! Oh, slap me leg, call me Roger, get in!”.
“How are you? You are dialling this number, if you so desire”.
“How do you bid? Well, it couldn’t be easier. You dial the number, you listen to the message, and then you just push 1 on your telephone keypad, and your job’s done, alright”.
“I am going once already for the second and final time”.
“I don’t know why I wandered across there viewers, I don’t, I’m just in a world of my own”.
“I don’t think I can keep this up much longer”.
“I forgot me glasses”.
“I genuinely, genuinely, heart on hand, would love one of these”.
“I haven’t seen a blue so vibrant since I looked at my varicose veins a week last Tuesday. No, please. Looks like a road map, my legs. It’s done some travelling”.
“I like getting into a cold bed, don’t know about you”.
“I look like an unmade bed”.
“I once left a pan of cabbage on, I was fret… the pan had gone and everything”.
“I really should be in a home. It’s either it or I should see a taxidermist, honestly”.
“I told yer what batteries it flippin’ takes!”.
“I won’t last the evening, I won’t last the evening”.
“I’ll be honest, you’ll get more for it on aBay”.
“I’ll clean the windows while we’re waiting. Look at the dirt in ‘ere”.
“I’ll tell you how bad my memory is. I got a phone call today, you’ll never guess what today is. It’s my birthday today, I didn’t even know. Somebody called me up today and said, Peter, it’s your birthday. I didn’t even know, I didn’t even know”.
“I’m exhausted already. I don’t know how I’ll get through the other 284 minutes. And a man of my age…”.
“I’m getting dizzy now, I want to go home”.
“I’m going to chase you home when we get into double figures, so get ready”.
“I’m going to do the Slosh now. Ever so good for you this”.
“I’m not going to make any bones about this”.
“I’m perspiring there, honest to goodness. I even showed you me bald potch then, things are getting bad. I usually fill it in”.
“In my day we had to respect your elders”.
“Isn’t that lovely?”.
“It’s an Auction Avalanche, the numbers will rumble, and then they’ll tumble, how low will we go?”.
“It’s Gianni Vecci, for goodness sake!”.
“It’s the penguins, there’s four of ’em, I bet they haven’t got swelling!”.
“I’ve got to go to go to close this”.
“I’ve had three hours of it!”.
“I’ve just hit me plastic hip!”.
“I’ve ripped me trousers!”.
“I’ve won a Bafta!”.
“Just grab it!”.
“Let’s play Bid-Up!”.
“Lovely set, by the way. Nearly new that, nearly new. Er, that flock wallpaper, oh, it was in Madge Allsop’s living room for years”.
“Mark’s up neck… next”.
“Me nerves are in shreds over this boiler”.
“My gusto has gone”.
“Oh, James, don’t, you my be just a mere boy, but I once went out with a lady. Oh well, hrff, huh-huh-huh-huh!”.
“On we go, it’s Saturday night, it’s Pete’s sezzling Saturday night!”.
“Ooh, I’ve just gone all stiff down one side”.
“Negative ions pushing down on me. Or may… or maybe it was the rag ‘n’ bone man”.
“No! Absolutely unbelievable!”.
“Now I don’t need to tell you, we have lost our absolute shirt on this one”.
“Now some of you may be saying “Keyony Reeve” because of my Matrix Melon Look”.
“Now you’ve got to do this very quick… that’s, I nearly tripped then, ‘ere”.
“Please don’t wait, it’s first come first served, you can’t go wrong”.
“Put your legs between your knees”.
“Sandeep in Isleworth. I used to stay in Isleworth. I’ve no idea why I told you that, Sandeep, I mean I…”.
“67 left right now, dial the number so. You can dial it just like that. And the number is just so!”.
“Stay with me, we don’t know what’ll happen next, right”.
“Talking of Poland, I once knew a woman who slept with a Pole, and ended up with a wooden baby”.
“Ten and against you, nine and against you, eight and against you…”.
“That is so low as to be practically giving it away”.
“That’s taken the wind out of my sails, has it been like this all day?”.
“That’s the best buy ever”.
“That’s the most excitement I’ve had for months!”.
“The last and final time of the godfeathers”.
“The management are currently sat on their highchairs, flogging themselves with wet rhubarb, knowing the end is nigh”.
“The most you’ll play is the closing arrow price”.
“The people we employ ‘ere these days”.
“The reason I’m doing this, I’m running incredibly short of time. I’ve still got lots to get through, and breath and energy”.
“There are people on the phone, and no wonder. It’s Monday! It’s Simon Time! Semon-Simon! Ooh-ooh! Don’t ask me what that was about, I’ve no idea”.
“They’ll be with you in seven days, if they live that long”.
“They’re doing these speed auctions to me deliberately, they know I can’t take it”.
“They’re very common on camera 3. They used to be a potato peeler in Market Reason. Here”.
“This is a better buy to you than I could ever even tell you”.
“This is a woman who thinks that Backgammon is a pig’s bottom”.
“This is an absolute top of the notch timepiece, in my opinion”.
“This is why you should join me on this new Monday. It really is a terrific night on the television”.
“Two tenners, let’s close it up”.
“We have been absolutely pork stuffed there. With a little apple sauce. Well done”.
“Well I’m glad I’ve not had me supper. I’d be having tripe”.
“Well, wave a stick on coronation day, put a peg on a line, because we have been… well”.
“We’ve had tichnical technical problems”.
“We’ve served over two million watches”.
“When they’re bored with their presents. Boxing Day. We never did. We only got a piece of coal and an orange, and we were very happy.”
“You know, I look older by the day in this camera. There’s no sympathy. Oh, the mocking in the studio now, don’t start at ‘ome, I’ve got enough of it ‘ere!”.
“You know what, bidders at ‘ome, they didn’t ask me to do any of those “Merry Christmas” things. I think the writing’s on the wall, bidders at ‘ome, it’s obviously time”.
“You’ve bagged a bargain on this one, I can tell you that for nothing!”.
“You’ve got a watch for her, and you’ve got a watch for you, this is the range From Me To You!”.